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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  July 26, 2011 2:00am-2:30am PDT

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>> dee! >> deandra! >> dee! dee! >> deandra! >> yeah! >> this is bad. this is real bad. >> you thought you had sex with charlie, but it was dennis that you went into the back room with. see? >> i had sex with you. it was sex with me, it was sex with me. >> he threw up the whole way over here, dee. dennis is the father of that baby. >> we got to get you and that monster that's in your gut down to mexico asap. >> are you kidding me? i did not have sex with dennis. >> yes, you did. all right, look, look, you went into the back office with him, not me. you thought it was me because you wanted sex from me. but you got sex from dennis.
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>> okay, you're saying that because i went into the back office alone with dennis, that i must have had sex with him? gross. no, that did not happen. and you guys have been obsessing about this all night long? >> yes. >> yeah? >> of course. we were running around trying to figure out who the father is. if it's not dennis, who it is? >> it's none of you. >> huh? >> no, none of you are the father. i just told you that because you were making fun of me for eating the sandwich, and i thought it would upset you and get you going and it did, it worked. you guys have been obsessing about this all night. >> so, wait, are you absolutely sure that you and i did not have sex, and that that's not my...? >> uh, yeah. (laughing) >> oh! >> whew! >> yeah, but i'll tell you what, i'm not going to tell you who the father is. >> who gives a shit? >> you all give a shit, you just said so. you were up all night. you were-- you were thinking about it all night long. >> yeah, but that was before when you said it was one of us. now that it's not one of us, i mean... >> who cares? >> who cares, right? >> it's no big deal.
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>> yeah, we don't care. >> oh, my god, i got like a... oh, jesus. >> oh, baby. >> this close, baby. >> that is a weight off my shoulders, man. i really dodged a bullet on that one. >> well, we all did, we all did. >> hey, what about the museum? >> huh? >> yes. >> boom. >> yes, there's still time. okay, dee, we're out of here. you look like a turkey. >> yeah. also i would say, i would say you look like an-an ostrich. >> yes! >> right? >> you know, i was-- i want to call her an emu, but i want to save it for, you know... >> you are a big, fat, flightless bird. >> yeah yeah! (laughing) >> those are all... those are all... >> just sort of a general... >> the general whatever. >> july 25th, 2011 from comedy central world news headquarters in new york, this is the dale he show with swron stewart captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. we have a very good show tonight. our guest tonight, neil patrick her is. (cheers and applause) now as you know many of our viewers live in the northern hemisphere. (laughter) i dot longitudes and latitudes but i really don't-- (laughter) an experienced-- (laughter) a lot of map lovers in the audience. anyway, in the hemisphere has experienced in the past week a weather phenomenon of extreme heat called labs,
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falaro where the sun gets close enough to the earth to hug it. and then do this to it it but where we humans saw hardship, tv weather news people saw hot-pertunity. >> we just took this justy t bone out of the fri see if we can cook it on the dashboard of a car. >> you can really cook eggs on a street, bake cookies on a dashboard. >> the mac and cheese have cooked. >> i will taste the pizza. >> the pizza is actually fully cooked. it is not global warning, it is god preheating america. (laughter) by the way, this guy may be eat pizza straight off the sidewalk, but at least he didn't use a [bleep] fork when he ate it. as long as i live-- you
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don't eat, out there, you disrespect me, you son of a-- (laughter) by the way, never look directly at the light. (laughter) with more on the soaring week end temperatures we're joined with our senior reporter wyatt cenac. why do weather people always resort to these incredibly gimmicky stunts when discussing extreme weather conditions? >> jon, it's about taking complicated scientific phenomenon and making it accessible. 103 he agrees with 70% humidity, a, but everybody understands does it hotten food? (laughter) >> jon: so the gimmick, the pizza, the standing outside in the hurricane s just a way for us nonscientists to understand extreme weather? >> well, really any weather. for instance the heat wave
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broke today but it's still over 80 degrees fahrenheit or to put ina that in terms rubes like you might understand, egg salad sandwich warming weather. (laughter) this has been outside all day, with this glass of milk. >> jon: i don't think-- no i don't think you should eat that. >> oh, yeah, oh-- oh, oh, man, that is such flavor. oh. i should wash it down with this lumpy milk. >> jon: i don't -- >> oh, oh-- . >> jon: i don't think you should be eating -- >> you should call me one of those vans with the lights on the front of it you know what, i'll call it. wehoo within wehhoo. >> stephen: . >> jon: i told you not to eat that i'm not sure what any of this is supposed to prove. >> it proves i'm a weather reporter, jon! (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: all right, all right. >> i'm a professional weather reporter. i know some science. and i also have a mouthy, outgoing personality. oh god, it hurts. >> jon: all right, thank you, wyatt, wyatt cenac, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's going to leave a stain. there you go. wow. if we had taped that bit in the studio we would have a huge pile of egg salad to clean up right now. (laughter) good thing that was outside on new york's pizza strewn sidewalk. actually, the heat last friday dove dro me not movie these tore see the new captain america movie. awesome. terrific, inspiring movie about a 98 pound weaking who through sheer determination, courage and a thermem that
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renders im-- takes down and defeats james carville. >> i'm going to get the-- anyway the movie is a fictional account of what our country can accomplish when we put our minds to it and then i came home and saw the nonfiction version of the film. >> the ago ri monday us negotiations coulds laed on friday when house speaker john boehner walked out. >> the latest round of talks broke down again over the weekend. >> can a deal be reached or is this atmosphere just poison. >> jon: captain america! (cheers and applause) >> jon: let me get you caught up. while many americans were enjoying america's fast food sidewalks and justy
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dashboard steaks our country moved close ever to self-inflicted economic coulds la, something we have known has been companying for as long as we have been told, it's coming. >> treasury secretary tim geithner sut approximatinging a date on what says would be a national disaster, as early as parch 31st. >> we can give congress until the end of june. >> geithner says the nation will disolve on its dead july 8th. >> moved the drop dead date from july 8th to august 2 wnd if congress doesn't act by the second they will put our-- they will downgrade our credit, first time in history, and if that happens, are you going to see cat strafk damage across the american economy and across the global economy. >> jon: the only other catastrophe that's moved its date this often was spicerman turn off the darbling. (laughter) (laughter) 112th congress has been completely unable to muster a debt sealing agreement to avoid eye holy unnecessary default, probably because its such a complicated thing
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we would only be able to do it in the past 102 times. (laughter) >> we've raised the debt ceiling 17 times under reagan -- times under hw dush, four and president clinton 7 under gw bush, so parently for past congresses it is as effortless as this. but of course for this conference, congress, it's hard to grab a zip line when you can't see it. (laughter) i'm not saying they're bad at their jobs. i'm not saying that this congress is bad at its job, i'm just saying that this congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of skippy peanut butter. of course, throughout the process the democrats were very clear about what they could not tolerate. >> democrats are not supporting any cuts in benefits for social security. >> you cannot allow medicare to be cut. >> don't slash medicaid. >> let's raise tacks on those who have had a break
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for the last decade. >> we have to raise revenue. >> there has to be something done with revenue to make this fair. >> jon: the republicans have been clear about what they can't tolerate. >> the republicans are not going to agree to tax hikes. >> we don't believe that raising taxes is the answer here. >> short-term washington solutions aren't always the best. >> the only way i will vote on this debt limit thing is if it is the last time we do it. >> we're out of road it kick the can down, now is the time to deal well it. >> jon: at least two things are clear, house republicans will never die short-term deal with tax increase, dem can'ts won't without tax increases. >> the senate majority leader harry reid had to go back to the drawing board and came up with his approach t would cut 2.7 trillion dollars, no tax increases, and raise the debt 150e8ing to get this country through 2012. >> house speaker john boehner says he aims to unveil the framework for a new shorter term plan this afternoon it would mean revisiting the debt ceiling next year. >> the boehner plan did
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include some revenue increases. >> jon: so both sides switched, everybody caved and no one agreed. democrat harry reid's new plan is now to the right of republican john boehner whose new plan says hey, this sucked so much less's do it again in nine months. my question to congress and i think a question that many americans may be sharing as of tonight is this. do you want out of this relationship so bad but don't have the balls to leave, so you've all decided to act like such giant blooep wlooep-- [bleep] you force us to break up with you, because if so, just get the [bleep] out.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. yesterday yesterday same sex marriage finally became legal in the state of new york. (cheers and applause) >> jon: apparently our audience is on their honeymoon. our legally married correspondent samantha bee was there to report. >> new york streets were filled with joy and love as gay marriage became the law of the land. >> not even long lines with 100 degree weather or creatures that crawled out of the devil syphallitc an uns could ruin this. >> as a couple happily married for years we went to
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hear the newly-wed tales of love. >> this is the best day of their life. >> it seriously is the best day because after this -- >> what does today mean to you guys. >> it means freedom. freedom from all the-- you know, back talking, craziness that happens, validation of our love, our commitment to each other. >> if you can get that in a shorter sound bite. >> make sure you tell them-- make sure you push them around and tell them what to say. >> make sure-- no, no, please, feel free. >> executive produce what is going on in every brain. >> i know the concept of having your balls in a vice sounds like fun, but when it's met for call, it's not fun. >> okay, yes, i know, james so, hard to be married to me. >> well, married couples here. let's just think of words that we associate with marriage. >> together. >> forever. >> monogamy. >> monotony.
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>> love. (laughter) >> oh my gosh! love. >> well, it means a lot for us because we've been together for five years and we really wanted to be here on the first day. >> piece get your microphone-- i'm taking the lead in this. >> do you have enough -- >> i'm trying to work on a piece, okay. >> i realize you're trying to work on a piece but i'm trying to also raise a family at the same time and we need milk and bananas. >> when i parried jason. >> i was nuts about my wife when i married her. i married a thoughtful, caring, truly wonderful human being. >> we used to go places. we use to go out to dinner. and eye mean god, now, now look at him. look at him over there eating a hot dog. eats like a [bleep] see gull. >> now look at her. joke monkey. oh, look at me, i'm jason
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jones. i-- my underpants and my genitals. >> you're talking about my genitals. >> okay, well maybe if someone paid a little attention to what was going on down below someone would go down there a little more often okay, it's like the slums of calcutta down there. (laughter) >> it had taken a long time to get to this moment so what better way to commemorate these sacred union than with a special vow. taking into account. >> taking into account. >> the inobservation areable inertia of our relationship. >> the index orable inertia in our relationship. >> it would be harder to break it off than to continue as we have for all these years so i guess we should get married. >> i guess we should get married. amen. >> amen. >> what la lieu la. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight an actor whose new film is the smufers. >> okay, to review. you guys come from a magic fours where you live in oversized mushrooms, you're being chased by an evil wizard and trapped in new york until there is a blue moon and you like to use the extremely imprecise term
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smurf for about everything. >> smurf-actly and. >> and you're all named after your personalities, dow name then when you are born or after you exhibit certain traits. >> yeah. >> just what is this magic searching device. >> i'm using google. >> oooh. >> what the smurf. please welcome back to the show neil patrick harris. (cheers and applause) welcome. nice to see you. >> thank you very much. that is nice! >> jon: they're very excited. nice group of people. >> nice group of people. lovely. >> jon: let me ask you this. >> yes, sir. >> jon: i look at the trailer t says this fill some currently unrated. >> yeah. (laughter) >> yes, it is. it's the blue version.
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(laughter) >> jon: don't even try. >> i'm so sorry. >> jon: what would they have to take out. can't they just slap the g on it or pg or are there certain things in it where they are like maybe we shouldn't have [bleep] (laughter) >> yeah, we're not sure how the-- my character [bleep] smurf. >> jon: not you, the two smurfs, the two smurfs. the two smurfs. >> you thought his name was grouchy before. (laughter) >> jon: you took it to a place of degradation i didn't even dream of. literally thinking of smurfettes and-- for god's sakes. first of all-- how are you? you're a busy, busy man. you've got 8 million things
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going on, i don't know how you juggle it. i saw you in company. >> company, yes, i did company. you performed at lincoln center with stephen colbert. >> indeed. he was in it as well. he sang a song. he had a scene work. he was actually quite good at the musical theatre. >> jon: you know he is a multitalented individual. >> and he's also knows circus tricks. >> jon: he knows one circus trick. (laughter) it's the spin move. >> the spin move. >> jon: and he is at the parameters of his ability to do the one spin move circus trick. two more years he throws out a hip. there's no way. >> i don't know. he prides himself. he said coy carry a lot of weight. and so two of us jumped on and jumped on and holding us both he spins in a circle. right there. >> jon: i tried that once. with him? >> with him. >> jon: jumped on. with another friend, vomited
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about 30 seconds. for me, that's like riding with the blue angels. that's like i'm never doing that again. you got to do it once. >> i have to say sincerely i was so impressed by him. i means that's a pretty bold move to go and perform at lincoln center singing, you know, sondheim in front of 3,000 people. and that's sort of out of his comfort zone and he was just really great at it. >> jon: i actually went and saw it live. it was tremendous. >> thank you. >> jon: and i thoroughly enjoyed all of you guys but i was stunned that you had-- i heard you had like two weekends to work on it. they put on a full production of company, like an 18 hour play -- >> it's not. >> jon: and you learned the singing and the dancing was extraordinary that you even had the time to put it together. >> once a year they like to do a semi staged concert version of a show as a gala. and this was frar from semi staged. i think they said that just to get us all to sign up. and then we did it and it was just a lot of work. kind of a-- a lot of work
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because we all were promised we could rehearse individually and then we would all come together at the last minute with just sort of magically come together which it sort of it. >> jon: they would photo shop you together on to the page. >> it was practically that. the first time we did a full run through from start to finish with everyone together was the opening night on thursday. we did the dress rehearsal before and had to stop like 15 minutes to the end of the show because the orchestra was done and had to split. >> jon: wait s that allowed. they can just be like -- >> they have one tough union, the union guy they come out. the guy goes tap, tap, tap, that's it and they're out. they're done. >> jon: the union guy with an orchestra walks out and is like bassoons down, everybody. drop your bows, drop your bows, you're done. >> you're out of here. that's what happened. >> jon: the highest compliment i could give someone who performs musical theatre from lincoln center,
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this is from my mother who has seen every production since george kaufman who said, they were marvelous. she even smoked for years just to be able to sound like that. (laughter) >> jon: tell them, marvelous. >> than as if particular that your mother is a drag queen. i'm so happy for that. your mother is harvey firestein, that's amazing. >> jon: there really is very little room between old jewish grandmother and harvey firestein, at a certain point they all meld together. >> yes. >> jon: everything else good with you. the kids are good what is the age. >> kids are 9 months old. they're sleeping like they are starting to crawl but sleeping through the night, they sleep 13 hours a night. here's the trick. a staple gun. (laughter)
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>> jon: you're saying once they realize there is no mobility they give up and go to sleep. >> that's it they try, they realize they're pinned at the ears, fingers and toes and they sleep. >> jon: you're certainly a role model for all of us. and we really appreciate your parenting advice. >> thank you. >> jon: and it really is, it's marvelous. smurfs is in the theatre on friday. neil patrick harris!